Metamorphasis and "20 Things you have to believe to be a Republican"

“If you're not a liberal at twenty you have no heart, if you're not a conservative at forty you have no brain.” – Winston Churchill

I firmly believe that Suits and Republicans a like are not born, they are made by the cruelty of life. That being said, I don’t know where I went wrong, but I’m switching sides. I’m becoming a game-playing suit.

Since the promotion, I’ve learned a few things about corporate side, and after the election, I learned more about life and how it goes.

My father had many a quote growing up but one I had to learn the hard way was “No one is going to come knock on our door and give you a break because you’re a nice guy.” God was he right. Ironic that not listening to that very advice was his undoing but digression is boring, albeit necessary.

When I came into this position, I was the good catholic boy who respected his elders and attempted to be civilized and diplomatic in all my relations. I found out that those who take the most breaks get promoted.

I don’t have feelings for people any more. I spend 12 hour days at work, and I make it my personal mission to get companies memberships who blew me off at first.

Yesterday I found a way to get more money from a Senior Citizens Home under the guise of “helping both of us.” I’m not saying it won’t, but it will assuredly benefit me.

In the last 6 months I burned just about every bridge I had with friends that I could, and not for any reason either, I just…I don’t know I gave up.

With regard to friends, I was always a moving target. The friends I keep are the ones who understand that I vanish for 6 months for no real reason and I’ll probably come back. No excuses, I’m just weird and I can’t bring myself to change. Its too visible that I’d rather be elsewhere and I guess I regard that as more disrespectful than disappearing.

And sometimes its just that I can’t deal with getting the cuffs of my jeans wet again. Also, I forget all my plans, so I bought a desk calendar but I don’t have one for my social life.

I’m remorseless too. I haven’t told myself I don’t care. Its just not there. I don’t know its gone. I like people, and I have no animosity, nothing happened, but its like, I don’t know, I just don’t have that component.

Once in psych class I read about a woman who had anger issues so they removed that part of her brain. She had no ability to get aggressive any longer. I find that nothing short of horrifying but I think its happened to me.

I think I’ve become a shill, and thankfully my company works for a societal good, but otherwise, I’m no better than oil magnates, I’m just less wealthy with more ambition. Congress won’t give me tax relief so I can drill. I make my own breaks. And if this is what it must take, I guess subconsciously so be it.

All my theories sound like excuses so I’ll save them for next time. Take heart that I’m still not a republican... because to become one would mean I believe that:

1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

4. “Standing Tall for America” means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

5. A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all humankind without regulation.

6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

7. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

11. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

12. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

13. Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.

15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is a solid defense policy.

16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

17. The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.

18. You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the 1980s is irrelevant.

20. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist; but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.